August Vacation

I am from Ohio but currently living in Missouri. It's a long drive between the two states and it makes for infrequent visits with my family.

Just recently, my father and my two twenty-something nieces (and one tag-along boyfriend) made their yearly visit. I look forward to this time with immense anticipation and have many text conversations with my nieces to try and decide how to spend our time. When asking Jennifer what she wanted to do, her stock answer this time was, "Everything."

Well, we didn't quite do everything, but we did do a lot:

1. Watched three movies
2. Made jewelry and clay sculptures
3. Made chocolate-covered strawberries
4. Planned to make several purses (never did get them done)
5. Went to the state fair
6. went to the Main Street Music Hall
7. Made breakfast out of nothing
8. Played putt-putt golf
9. Fed the fish at the state park
10. Bought an iPod Touch :)
11. Painted our toenails
12. Launched sheep
13. Went shopping at Stonecrest Mall
14. Watched Grandpa command fish just like Aquaman
15. Saw an armadillo (finally)

I like to make lists like this because it's such a great reminder of all the fun we had together.

When I look past all the fun, though, I see that of all the places that my family could go on their vacations, they keep coming back here. Then I realize what a blessed aunt and daughter that I am. And I feel loved.

Bam!

For those of you who don't know, my mother-in-law lives with me. There are good things and bad things about it, of course. But she is currently on hiatus in her hometown of Poplar Bluff which means that I get to do the cooking. I'm torn as to whether or not this is a good thing...

I decided that my first task should be to head to the grocery store. After all, you can't cook if you don't have food. Has anyone else ever noticed this?

I began my excursion looking for things I knew I needed: coffee creamer, bread, laundry soap.

I picked out a few things that looked easy enough to fix such as Hamburger Helper (actually I often wonder if it really helps) and some throw-together side dishes. I get several packs of hamburger, some chicken breasts, crackers, etc.

I loaded everything in my car and started to drive home. At about this time, I realize that I don't really have anything to make a real meal. I have completely neglected to plan at all. After four years of not cooking meals, I have forgotten how to go about it.

I guess it's a good thing that that my husband will eat anything you put in front of him. In fact, he eats everything that you put in front of him.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting back on the chef horse and using my kitchen again.

And I've decided that yes, it's a good thing.

Finally

Okay. I finally did it.

After MANY years of depression, I have finally made it to see a psychologist. He says that he got the big picture and wants to see me again. I must tell you that this was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever made.

I felt fine going there. Almost cancelled, actually. I parked my car and found my way around the unfamiliar office space rather quickly. I met the receptionist and started filling out the initial paperwork while she cleared me with my insurance. Then it started.

Feelings of worthlessness. Tears. I should be stronger than this. I should be normal. I shouldn't need this. The inevitable bits of Kleenex all around my eyes. I don't want to be here.

He suggested that I feel responsible for how others are feeling. He asked me who put that responsibility on my shoulders. Well, I guess I did.

I told him about W****, S**** and Pastor M*** and how disappointed I was in them (after three years!). I told him about S******** and what happened to her and how I was treated afterwards for trying to stick up for her (this was way back in high school!). Where is the justice? Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.

I know I need this but I'm not really looking forward to it.

Celebrating

So I'm sitting here pondering my existence, God, my relationships and why on Earth do I have the world's smallest stapler (Sorry, I cannot contain random thoughts at times) when my thoughts turned to yesterday.

Yesterday was a great day. Many wonderful things transpired, some of which I don't dare actually write about. Suffice it to say that the whole day was filled with things that directly affected my near future and made a promise so exciting that I couldn't come down from the ceiling.

I celebrated by having dinner alone. I ate what I wanted with no deep discussions about the entire menu. But there were flashbacks. Ending with my usual "Why don't you order what you want and I'll order what I want and then the waitress will be really happy?!"

Two drafts later I felt like an engorged tick. I was surprised when I actually fit behind the steering wheel and could still reach the pedals.

I went home and watched a couple of shows on TV. The beer made that really easy. There was no other noise in the room. Heaven. I even had the sound turned down low. By that time I knew that if I didn't go to bed soon, I would be up all night. Nine o'clock is a little early even for me but what the heck, I was celebrating, right?

I awoke this morning to the sound of the rain and was in heaven once again. There's just something about the sound of rain that makes me feel as if my soul is being cleansed. A little coffee spurred me on to write this blog.

But wait, what's that?

I think I hear my pillow calling for another toast.

Photo courtesy of winstonberry.com

I Gave

Today:
I gave myself a glance in the mirror.
I gave the washing machine a good workout.
I gave money to the cable, phone and mortgage companies.
I gave a deposit to the teller at the bank.
I gave my violin some attention.
I gave in on an argument.

Then:
I gave a hug to my husband.
I gave a student a little spark of what it feels like to experience music emotionally.
I gave a hand-made baby blanket to a friend.
I gave the baby a kiss.
I gave a student hell for not practicing.
I gave my husband a good back scratching.
I gave another student a shot of confidence.
I gave a concert.

After all that, I'm tired.
I give.